I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Please don't give away my fajitas
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