U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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