Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
