the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
