Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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