What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
