ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize