the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Who died my cat blue again?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
