You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
