You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
