I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
