the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize