My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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