your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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