how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize