last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
