I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
