Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
