Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I am one with the molecules
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
