just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
they're like a gay fantastic four
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
