I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
