My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
