I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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