Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
