She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
