Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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