I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
