god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
