I think scott just propositioned me for sex
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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