He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
