If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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