Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
