It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
