I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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