Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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