atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
