just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
