how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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