stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
