She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
