whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
