I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
