Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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