I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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