Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
