I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
there's paper in my vomit.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
