If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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