I hate your face
I think I died a long time ago.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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