So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
