im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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