I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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