what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
