I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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