I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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