Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
