having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
