I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
false alarm. still invincible.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
