I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
