Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
