Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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