some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
