I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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