His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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