At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The ass gains better be worth it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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