Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
