He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
